1AM and God.

This is me not being able to sleep. There's too much on my mind. God I've been talking to You all night. About how my future is so clouded. About how I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be. About how I've got this lump in my throat, feeling like I might just cry at any minute and I'm not sure why. About how my heart hurts.

God, I feel helpless at times. Like I'm stuck. You know the desires of my heart. Lord, you know what I long for... but I'm still without. God, sometimes I get scared and think that I may never find it. Even, when I feel like I've found it, something happens that takes it away. God, sometimes I feel alone. 

I've been wrestling with You tonight, God. I've been begging You to give me answers about love. Why I feel so UNloved... I know I'm loved by my family, I know I'm loved by friends, but God, You know the desires of my heart. It gets hard. Lord, You know my prayer.

And as I lay here, filling Your ear with questions about my love, and when I will find it, I just can't help but go back to how much I love You. How much I NEED You. God, You are the center of my world. Even in these times of hurt. In these times when I feel like I can't breathe, and I'm trapped... I know that You are with me. I love YOU, God. God when I do find love in this world, it will be because of You. I can't have a love in my life without it reflecting Your love in my life.

God you will give me my desires, because You love me. You want me to be happy. You don't want to see me broken. 

But sometimes it's so hard when I feel like I've found something centered around You, yet I'm still unable to have it. That's why I feel stuck.

But even if I never find love in this world, I can still be satisfied in You, God. Because I know that You have a plan and purpose for me, and Your love will be with me forever.

This post may not make sense to anyone else in the world, but God I realize that no matter what... it all comes back to Your love. When I find love in my life, it will be because of Your love. 

What's on my mind.

With a little encouragement, I am making another post. Since I don't have anything interesting going on, I'm just going to talk about what's been on my mind today.

It's hard to explain, but I've just been thinking about the transition that's taking place in my life. I've been alive for 23 years. I try to look back on my life, and it's funny how so few memories I really have. When I reminisce, it's almost like watching the highlights. Like if I try to think of when I was 8, I remember telling my third grade teacher that I would be able to get my license in only 8 more years! Back then, it seemed like forever away. 

That's just an example, but it almost seems like my whole time on Earth is like that. Just like pictures in time... I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say.

We spend so much time wishing that we were grown up that one day it just happens, and we realized it's not all it was cracked up to be. It's just another step. Then we realize we missed out on so much because we had our eyes on the future, rather than the now.

This is lame, I'm pretty much saying what every 20-something says at this transitional period in life.

But back to memories, it's funny to look back on times in my life and realize just how simple everything really is. The highlights of my life all involve God. My trips to Guatemala, feeling the pure joy of salvation, the humbling experience of having the opportunity to preach his Gospel is many different locations... that's the greatest moments in my life.

The most miserable times in my life were the times I tried to do things on my own.. when I turned to drugs, partying, alcohol, and the pleasures of this world, I experienced the emptiness this world has to offer.

It's so easy that it's kind of funny. There's no greater life than a life with God.

I'm going to be 24 years old this year. I'm nowhere close to what I thought I would be doing when I was a kid... but that's okay. I have no idea where I'll be in the next 20 years... the next 10 years... the next 5 years! When I think about the future and what I'm going to do, it scares me to death. But then I remember that I am in God's hands. He'll guide my steps, he'll make a way for me, and I'll enjoy life. Not the future, but the present. God has great plans for me... now! I do know that I'm tired of worrying about tomorrow and being a grown up, from now on I'm just going to love life. 

...that's a lot of rambling.

I knew this would happen...

Where's my inspiration? I knew as soon as I signed up for this thing that I would never update it. I've done it before in my past... but I was bored, so I was like, "NO! This time it's different, Ryan! You're going to blog your little heart out, and by goodness, you are going to be somebody. This blog is your ticket to the bigtime, and then your mother will have no choice but to be proud of you!"

...but here I am, three months later and only one post. You win, Mom, I'm still a nobody... and I'll never get a girlfriend. Yes, I know I should go back to school... I know I need to save more money... I know that the internet is not my big ticket out, but.. nevermind.

NO WAY! This time is different! I AM going to blog! I am going to be a somebody, people will like me, and by goodness, I will get a girlfriend!

...ok, so I will probably never find a girlfriend. Oh well, I guess I'll still blog every once in a while.

ah, Nostalgia...

So here I am sitting in Room 122 of the Comfort Inn located in Parkersburg, WV. It's my third night here. I don't know where anything is in this town, can't really afford to spend much money, and really know no one outside of the people I just met in training. So what do I do? Naturally, I sit in my room like a loser all evening, text like a madman, and peruse myspace, facebook, youtube, and the regular message boards I contribute to. Don't judge me!

Anyway, I ran across something that got me a bit excited. Looks like Guns N' Roses is actually releasing the long-awaited "Chinese Democracy" album. Now before I continue, one must realize that calling this band "Guns N' Roses" is equal to calling Scott Stapp "Creed (yes, I used to like them, too)," as Axl Rose is the only original member still in the band. This is basically a solo album for him. One must also realize that I'm not ashamed at all to admit that I used to cruise about in my 1993 sea green Toyota Tercel jamming to the "Appetite for Destruction" album. Yeah, I was that guy...

So naturally I'm thinking "Heck yeah! Heavy metal revival, baby!" I mean, I'm considering going to the local FYE and reserving my copy. 

...but then I make a crucial move that completely alters previously said plans. I goto the band's myspace to preview the new tunes. While I'm listening I realize something... these new songs kind of suck. Hmm, well maybe I'm just expecting too much. I mean, the older albums leave a high mark to live up to! So I go back and start listening to some of the older stuff, and I hit another wall.

I'm not really a big fan of this, either. I mean outside of the required favorites, "Sweet Child O' Mine (possibly the most overrated guitar intro in history, btw)" and "November Rain," I just wasn't that into it. Everything else just seemed kind of generic and... blah. Whoa! Did I really just describe Guns N' Roses as "blah!?" 

What the crap, man?! Have my musical tastes really changed that much? This used to be my favorite band. Mind you, I was 14 at the time, but nonetheless! So I start to look through my itunes library, and I realize that there is nothing there that sounds anything like GnR...

Actually, tonight is the first time I've listened to anything GnR since playing "Sweet Child O' Mine" on Guitar Hero 2. I guess it's time for me to put Guns N' Roses where they belong... in my past.

So farewell Axl, Slash, Izzy, Stephen Adler, and the various other members throughout the years... We had a good run, but it had to end somewhere. My final words to you are these, "Don't you cry tonight, I still love you, baby. No, don't you cry tonight, there's a Heaven above you, baby... So don't you cry tonight."

I guess now the only thing I have to look forward to regarding "Chinese Democracy" release is the free bottle of Dr. Pepper. 

Oh... and "Patience" is still one of the best songs ever!